Friday, July 13, 2007

Jewel's Rapid Weight Loss Diet

OK folks, I have it all figure out – you too can lose five pounds in two days. Here are the steps:

1)Make friends with people with small children. The smaller the better, really. The more helpless the child is, the more likely your friend will need help and call you.
2)Wait for said friend to get a horrible flu. The sicker the better. A really good flu includes vomiting AND diarrhoea. Of course, we can't be too choosy. Take whatever flu you can get.
3)When your friend becomes too sick to care for her children, she'll call you (this is why the younger the children the better – seven year olds are pretty self sufficient, your sick friend might not call for help)
4)Care for children. Keep them with you as long as possible. Make sure to do lots of cuddling. Maybe even share a drinking glass.
5)Sit back and wait for your reward. You should have that flu within a couple of days. Then you can just embrace all of the vomiting and diarrhoea knowing that you, too, can drop five pounds in two days.
6)As an added bonus, you might get delusional and write poetry, like the following:

Ode to Gatorade

Gatorade, Oh Gatorade
you taste rank

Yet I crave you
need you
love you.

My body is on fire
and only You
can quench it.

I wake in the night
my only thought
is for you.

Your taste, on my lips
is like life itself.

You fill me
you revive me
you keep me alive.

Too bad
You never taste as good
in the morning.


Anonymous said...

Glad to know you're feeling better now jewel! Love the poem (great line breaks)


sell your pools said...

ohh... what a idea!!I like this poem.